I Have Control Issues

And they’re so pervasive I am pretty sure I don’t even quite understand how deep they go, or how serious they are.

I am over-prepared for pretty much every realistic disaster that might befall me but it’s more than that.

But I can’t ever fully relax.  And I can’t ever just be me.  No one ever gets me without any sort of filter.  Ever.  Not my best friend, not my family, and, I recently found out, not even people where I don’t even give two shits about their opinion of me.  I’m so used to putting a filter on that I don’t even realize it’s on some of the time.   I don’t even know what it means to not have a filter on.  I don’t even know how to do that.  I’m trying to take it down but it’s hard sometimes.

I also find myself having to ‘effort’ my way through a lot of things.  I choose something I want and it seems like every step of every journey is an uphill battle.

And I got this surgery and I’m realizing that I’m just tired.  I’m mentally tired; I’m spiritually tired; I’m physically tired, I’m emotionally tired.  And I usually LOVE this time of year, the last week of the year.  I used to love the idea of reviewing the old and starting the new, and having new goals and going after it with passion.  I used to eat this stuff for breakfast.

But for some reason this year is different and I don’t know why.  I can’t get excited about this new year, and I don’t know why.  I have been sleeping so much more than I ever have, and I don’t know why.  Yeah I’m still recovering from surgery, perhaps that’s part of it, but I feel very un-centered, un-grounded, and yes, not in control.

I am finding comfort in a different idea.  Instead of feeling like I have to power up for yet another year of really hard resolutions, I like the idea of just giving myself permission to just sit still, rest, be stationary.  And let the world react and move and shape itself around me, and then just allowing myself to wade through that world in a slow, deliberate pace.  Sort of like a duck on the calmest of lakes… just one little flipper at a time, making little itty bitty waves… he’s not going very fast, but eventually he gets to the other side of the lake.  Or not.  Maybe the whole point is to just enjoy a meander around the lake. And no one is going to tell that little duck that he’s wasting his time.  So maybe I should stop telling myself that I’m wasting mine, and just sit and breathe and just rest for a while.

Just Breathe rather than Try.

Just Relax rather than Offer Effort.

Just Smile rather than Struggle.

And Just Be rather than Do.

For now.

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