I’ve been stupidly busy the past two months so I apologize for my absence!
I honestly haven’t thought about this blog at all but I’m ready to get back to it.
I took a trip of a lifetime to New Zealand and Australia in November – which was a really incredible and interesting trip! I enjoyed a lot of luck, synchronicity, and beauty the whole of my time there. I also reconnected with old friends and was reminded that even though we all have aged 13 years, I still love them for who they are and they still love me for who I am, which is really beautiful in and of itself.
I gained about ten pounds though, which is probably a surprise to no one but myself. I tried to manage my intake with my activity, I really did, but I always underestimate how hard that is to do when I am lacking control in my environment.
I did go forward and get the abdominoplasty/tummy tuck done anyway though, in spite of being over my ideal weight. Because I have never been at an ideal weight, and if I were to wait until I reached my ideal weight, it would never happen. So I decided to just do it and handle the consequences at a later time, whatever they might be.
This surgery is major surgery and I was completely incapacitated for about a week. I completely underestimated how tough this surgery would be on my body. But my friends supported and surrounded me and it was a wonderful example of how many people love and care about me. And I enjoyed seeing that 🙂
But that’s not what I wanted to talk about today.
Today I want to talk about what I’m working on right now and today I’m working on shifting my perception and shifting how I label certain events, past and present.
I’ve have gone through some shit, pretty much everyone has. And I’m fully aware that a lot of other people have been through more and worse events in life than I have, and so when I write about this stuff it’s not my intention to say that my life is better or worse or harder or easier than anyone else’s, but it is mine so that’s my only perspective I can write from, in the hopes that my example, however good or bad it is, can help someone else.
So, when I look back at the most shit events in my life, I had a few, but two big ones I look at are a suicide attempt and a really shit marriage that eventually ended in divorce. Those were the worst events, at least for me, and I am labeling them “bad”. They were shit; they totally sucked. They sucked because when I think back to those times I think back to the emotional pain and despair and loss that these times signify. And they were really unpleasant times. (heh, that’s an understatement.)
It’d be good to stop calling them bad experiences and just call them experiences.
It’d be good to stop making them wrong and just accept that they happened.
Those experiences taught me some really important lessons related to compassion, internal strength, unconditional love, and self love, in addition to general depth, maturity and empathy. I couldn’t develop compassion without having someone to have compassion for. I couldn’t know how strong I could be until I was tested, really tested. I couldn’t know what unconditional love was until I had to love someone without any conditions, or worse? in really awful/bad conditions. I couldn’t develop empathy until I had a frame of reference for what pain is, and could recognize it in other people, when they are going through it too. I’m still figuring out the self love thing but I definitely know a few things about that – like you have to allow yourself to be loved and once you start to love yourself, people start to treat you better, and life just gets better all around. So that’s good.
And so I’m trying to view these experiences as part of my journey that made me who I am today, and I love who I am today. And I celebrate who I am today but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have these shit experiences to build that inside of me.
So I am trying to celebrate them, as painful as they were.
At the end of this year I’m refining my focus.
Instead of obsessing over food and diet, I’m going to focus on health and vitality.
Instead of focusing on how I feel my life lacks fulfillment, I’m going to focus on the parts of my life are fulfilling, because there are lots of places I do find fulfillment and purpose.
So that’s where I am. 🙂 Sorry this post isn’t too refined and is basically word vomit but I figured I might as well write something real then wait for something polished and refined and commercial and stale and vomit-worthy because none of us want to read that anyway and to be honest I don’t want to write like that, SEO and all that be damned.