3 guys, 3 dates, 3 days in a row, 3 times coming home with a bad taste in my mouth. It somehow has a uniquely powerful way of getting me down.
I want to be authentic but also protect the privacy of these people. So, some of the problems over these 3 experiences in random order: I shaved for this nonsense?, No chemistry, arrogance, taking emotional risks that don’t pay off, complaining, criticizing, bragging about all the chicks you usually date (yay you?), having to force a conversation, sitting there having to wonder what in the hell is really going on right now but I can’t ask you and even when I did ask I don’t even trust that you were even telling me the truth and damn it that sucks, getting super excited and getting your hopes up for a date that left you feeling a bit cold at the end.
I totally feel like Julia Roberts from Notting Hill sometimes. “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.” But a lot of the time, they just won’t, or can’t.
I am starting to realize and learn that it’s not because I’m unlovable, and it’s not because of me. It’s because of whatever they have going on with them. And that’s not a judgment on me. And it’s also not my personal work to do. My only option is to just move on. It really does come down to that for me more often than I care to admit.
And I’m reminded of my quest for forgiveness. It is all linked up, all of these goals of mine. They feed on each other, truly.
Cures: Day with some new girl friends. A hike, lunch, shopping together for hot dresses to wear out next weekend together (This was SUPER cathartic, highly recommend), listening to your roommate come up with a hilariously evil idea of something fun to do after he tells you “it’s just a numbers game”, talking to your best friend to remind yourself that “hey, you really are awesome, and get your head on straight, seriously?” Telling the guy you had no chemistry with that he’s pretty fun and cool but it’s just not happening, and having him be open to being friends anyway. Throwing out some of the reminders of a date gone wrong. Controlling your environment is super important. Should write on that.
Not gonna say I feel totally better, but I do feel better than before. There is always the possibility of more, and better.
Sending you hugs and thanks for reading,